My friends, they love my intelligence
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
