dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
