u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
