i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Watching her eat just hurts me
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
