My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
