did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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