my phone needs a breathalizer
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
