Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
