Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
