No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
