i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Hippo gnu deer
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
