Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Randomize
