census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
