i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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