so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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