A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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