so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
