I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
