I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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