My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I have already put on my inside pants.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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