update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
