if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
