I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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