why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
