some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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