im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
