yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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