bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The police scanner is talking about you again....
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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