Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
