dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
