Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I need a burrito and a hug.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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