Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
