If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
