where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Yo dont text me then not text me
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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