she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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