I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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