woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
