The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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