I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
