Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think I won the penis lottery.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
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