just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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