turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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