everyone is single if you try hard enough
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
