Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize