Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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