last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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