The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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