Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The adults are the big ones right?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
