Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
