why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
