i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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