i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
