she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I don't deserve a penis
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
