Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Michael Bay diarrhea
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
