Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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