Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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