Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
