I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
