I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
