I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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