The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
