After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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