I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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