Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Jerry, you need to find god
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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