he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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