my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
