Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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